August 4, 2010

• Look I can flyaaaaa!

  Falling is not a sign of failure. Unless you were showing off your  levitation skills.

July 21, 2010

• I am SO tired of succeeding

  Only those who do not try do not fail.
  Hence my new class: Nap your way to success.

July 11, 2010

• Self-Help wanted

  I'm hiring a Personal Growth Assistant to go to all the workshops I don't have time for.

June 14, 2010

• How did I get to be so uncomplished?

  I cannot take credit for my lack of accomplishment. It's all because I'm standing on the shoulders of midgets.

May 19, 2010

• Anyone but not everyone

  Don't sell yourself short. Remember that anyone can become president… of something.

May 17, 2010

• You're out!

  If at first you don't succeed, don't embarrass yourself by rounding the base and heading for second.

April 20, 2010

• LOA WTF

  Using the Law of Attraction takes precious time and money away from what it takes to really get what you want.
  This is the Law of Distraction.

February 27, 2010

• I tell you this in confidence

  Your confidence will determine your results… as long as someone faster, stronger or better than you doesn't show up.

February 7, 2010

• We aren't number one!

  "Winning isn't everything," said whats-his-name, the guy who came in 2nd.

January 18, 2010

• I'm trying, really I… okay, never mind

  Never try your best. That way, when things don't work out, you can comfort yourself by remembering that you didn't try your best.

December 29, 2009

• Oh sure it seems obvious NOW

  Last year, my confusion made me bankrupt when I mistakenly opened a Frozen Yoga store.

December 26, 2009

• Can you hold this for me while I climb?

  Nobody climbs the ladder of success alone. Without others, we'd have no rungs to step on.

December 11, 2009

• The REAL secret to success

  To achieve success, nothing in the world can take the place of persistence, determination, & marrying into a wealthy family.

December 2, 2009

• I think I can think I can't

  Never think "I won't succeed" since there are so many other more interesting thoughts on the way to inevitable failure.

October 15, 2009

• Oh, oh, I'm only $10k away from bliss!

  Money will not make you happy. But all the stuff you can buy with it can sure getcha pretty close.

October 5, 2009

• I wouldn't admit that

  Admitting defeat doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're strong enough to face the truth. Wetting your pants, on the other hand…

September 28, 2009

• Ah the sound of (golden) wedding bells

  If you want massive, immediate success, ask yourself these 4 questions: Who? Can? I? Marry?

September 20, 2009

• What if I'm dreaming of my dwelling failing?

  Don't dwell on your ideas about why something may not work, since things will fail for reasons you never dreamed of, anyway.

July 30, 2009

• Somebody is a nobody

  Nobody is born a loser. It takes years to mature into that, and decades to master.

July 27, 2009

• I'm a poor one, so pour one

  I dared to be rich. But the Universe double-dog dared me to be poor. How could I say no to a double-dog dare?!