August 31, 2009

• I'm married to these results

  A Duhism-sponsored study reveals: marriage is the #1 cause of divorce.

August 9, 2009

• Or, Vinnie the Axe

  When you want someone to change, start by changing yourself.
  And when that doesn't work, here's the number of my cousin, "Vito the Hammer"…

August 8, 2009

• See no evil stripes, hear no evil stripes

  A friend is one who tells you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. So, hear this: no more horizontal stripes.

August 7, 2009

• Sometimes it's on the rocks

  Love is like water. We can fall in it. We can drown in it. And sometimes it's better with a little scotch.

June 26, 2009

• Would 99.9% be okay?

  To end all conflict, take 100% responsibility for everything you cannot blame on someone else.

June 4, 2009

• Don't be too needy, please

  When a woman is in need, the Duhism Master becomes brave. Brave enough, even, to ask "What aisle are the tampons in?"

June 3, 2009

• That's not at all what you said

  I can't remember where I put my keys last night. But I'm positive I know every word Bobbie Sue Tzu said in that argument we had last year.

May 27, 2009

• Here's a twenty you handsome devil

  If you want to be respected by others, start by respecting yourself, and then give them money and flatter them for no reason.

May 21, 2009

• They'll never forget

  The secret to a successful relationship?
  Never let your partner forget how special they are.
  Remind them that even though you could have done much better, you chose them, instead.

May 11, 2009

• The mother and father of all teachings

  Happiness cannot be found in the relative world.
  That's why it's so annoying to spend the holidays with your family.

May 5, 2009

• And my third cousin, twice removed, too

  Ponder this: Thanks to the infinite cycle of reincarnation, every person you meet, at some point, has been your mother-in-law.

• We'll take your ego as a trade-in

  With compassion, see every being as your dearest friend.
  But wait 'til that passes before you go used car shopping.

May 2, 2009

• The answer is not "compared to what?"

  The measure of a man is not how he handles adversity and turmoil, but how he answers, "Does this make me look fat?"

May 1, 2009

• Look forward to watch your back

  Before you speak ill of another, look in the mirror… and make sure they're not standing behind you before you do it!

April 22, 2009

• Put on a jacket or you'll catch cold

  The path of Duhism: Practice meditation, introspection, and psychic arts for many years.
  Then wonder why you're still just like your mother.

April 16, 2009

• Take my life, please

  Bob Tzu asks:
  If I accept you exactly as you are, THEN will you change, please?

April 10, 2009

• Nothing but the half, I swear

  A half truth will set you free-ish.

April 5, 2009

• It's not me, it's you

  Want peace of mind? Simple. Don't take things personally, you pathetic, stupid, narcisistic loser!

April 3, 2009

• If you really loved me…

  If you love something, let it go… unless you're in love with a helium balloon. Those things don't come back, you know.