July 25, 2010

• The power of positive thinking

  How can you call me "negative" when I'm positive you're wrong?

June 7, 2010

• I know, I know

  For a happy relationship, learn to anticipate your partner's needs.
  For instance, I know Bobbie Sue Tzu needs a 52" plasma TV, even though she doesn't know it yet.

June 2, 2010

• Call my PR people. Fast!

  Before you condemn another, see if you have ever done the same.
  This will help remind you of any evidence you forgot to cover up.

May 27, 2010

• Or a dozen donuts

  Never put your trust in a person who hasn't eaten an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting.

May 22, 2010

• Make sure you have your vegetables

  Relationships are a lot like broccoli… but I'm sure you already knew that.

May 13, 2010

• What do you mean, mean?

  The average amount of your kindness to others is your mean friendliness.

May 9, 2010

• Happy Mother's Day EVERYONE

  On this special day, remember the Duhism teaching:
  Due to the infinite cycle of reincarnation, at some time every being has been your mother-in-law

May 2, 2010

• Howdy stranger

  I've never met a stranger, only a friend who hasn't spent enough time with me to start pretending I don't exist.

April 4, 2010

• Don't misunderestimate my understandmentism

  How could I misunderstand you when I wasn't listening in the first place?

March 8, 2010

• You look familiar

  I just attended a reincarnation workshop.
  Again.

February 20, 2010

• I concur

  I'm not "agreeing to disagree." I'm "pausing while proving you wrong."

January 22, 2010

• Picky, picky, picky

  You cannot choose who you love. At least not while you're still driving that '93 Ford Fiesta.

January 17, 2010

• I know you are, but what am I?

  One must master responsibility. Know that always, no matter the evidence, or who is involved, the buck stops there.

December 19, 2009

• Can I bororow a cup of … AHA!

  True victory comes from forgiving your enemies completely.
  Because then they'll be off-guard when you go in for revenge.

November 30, 2009

• I've practiced for days at a time!

  As a Duhism Master, I practice celibacy. But no matter how much I practice, I can't seem to get it right.

November 25, 2009

• I love you, man!

  On this holiday spent with the family, I'm reminded to be thankful to the creator of mind-numbing alcoholic beverages.

November 14, 2009

• What's your name again?

  I met you in a previous life. Which is why I'm avoiding you in this one.

November 6, 2009

• Take that, Sting!

  Try this Duhism tantric practice to make sex last for hours: Watch the movie in slow motion.

October 18, 2009

• I don't want to get too graphic, but…

  Listen to what your partner says they like in bed.
  Last night, Bobbie-Sue Tzu said she likes it when I vacuum and do laundry.

September 15, 2009

• And you, and you, and you, and…

  If you are 100% honest with everyone, you won't have to remember who you've offended or insulted.