March 8, 2010

• You look familiar

  I just attended a reincarnation workshop.
  Again.

February 20, 2010

• I concur

  I'm not "agreeing to disagree." I'm "pausing while proving you wrong."

January 22, 2010

• Picky, picky, picky

  You cannot choose who you love. At least not while you're still driving that '93 Ford Fiesta.

January 17, 2010

• I know you are, but what am I?

  One must master responsibility. Know that always, no matter the evidence, or who is involved, the buck stops there.

December 19, 2009

• Can I bororow a cup of … AHA!

  True victory comes from forgiving your enemies completely.
  Because then they'll be off-guard when you go in for revenge.

November 30, 2009

• I've practiced for days at a time!

  As a Duhism Master, I practice celibacy. But no matter how much I practice, I can't seem to get it right.

November 25, 2009

• I love you, man!

  On this holiday spent with the family, I'm reminded to be thankful to the creator of mind-numbing alcoholic beverages.

November 14, 2009

• What's your name again?

  I met you in a previous life. Which is why I'm avoiding you in this one.

November 6, 2009

• Take that, Sting!

  Try this Duhism tantric practice to make sex last for hours: Watch the movie in slow motion.

October 18, 2009

• I don't want to get too graphic, but…

  Listen to what your partner says they like in bed.
  Last night, Bobbie-Sue Tzu said she likes it when I vacuum and do laundry.

September 15, 2009

• And you, and you, and you, and…

  If you are 100% honest with everyone, you won't have to remember who you've offended or insulted.

August 31, 2009

• I'm married to these results

  A Duhism-sponsored study reveals: marriage is the #1 cause of divorce.

August 9, 2009

• Or, Vinnie the Axe

  When you want someone to change, start by changing yourself.
  And when that doesn't work, here's the number of my cousin, "Vito the Hammer"…

August 8, 2009

• See no evil stripes, hear no evil stripes

  A friend is one who tells you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. So, hear this: no more horizontal stripes.

August 7, 2009

• Sometimes it's on the rocks

  Love is like water. We can fall in it. We can drown in it. And sometimes it's better with a little scotch.

June 26, 2009

• Would 99.9% be okay?

  To end all conflict, take 100% responsibility for everything you cannot blame on someone else.

June 4, 2009

• Don't be too needy, please

  When a woman is in need, the Duhism Master becomes brave. Brave enough, even, to ask "What aisle are the tampons in?"

June 3, 2009

• That's not at all what you said

  I can't remember where I put my keys last night. But I'm positive I know every word Bobbie Sue Tzu said in that argument we had last year.

May 27, 2009

• Here's a twenty you handsome devil

  If you want to be respected by others, start by respecting yourself, and then give them money and flatter them for no reason.

May 21, 2009

• They'll never forget

  The secret to a successful relationship?
  Never let your partner forget how special they are.
  Remind them that even though you could have done much better, you chose them, instead.