August 28, 2010

• Say what?

  Read this out loud:
  Don't believe everything you hear.

July 9, 2010

• The 5% solution

  Even if you do a half-assed job at giving 110% you're better than average.

June 28, 2010

• I'd like to make toast to that

  When life isn't going as you thought it should, remember that even scrambled eggs aren't what they're cracked up to be.

June 17, 2010

• I like short stories

  Why can't anyone who says "… to make a long story short…" actually make a long story short?

June 11, 2010

• No, really, I couldn't, could I?

  Whenever you say "I couldn't care less," that means you're not not-trying hard enough.

June 9, 2010

• I'm positive!

  Speaking negatively is a horrible, evil and really, really bad thing to do.

May 25, 2010

• It's truly true

  The closer I get to knowing who I truly am, the less I like who I am, truly.

May 8, 2010

• What kind of fool am I?

  Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice and, why, yes, I do own a Snuggie, Ginsu Knives and Tae-Bo DVDs. How'd you know?

April 7, 2010

• Okay, for the last time. 2+2 does NOT = 5

  Never argue with the ignorant. They can't tell when you've won.

March 31, 2010

• From nothing, all things happen

  Two Taoists don't walk into bar… yet a joke happens anyway.

March 16, 2010

• And I don't mean the Beatles song

  Instead of 1 hour, I accidentally set my clocks ahead 25 hours. Now it still feels like yesterday.

December 24, 2009

• Oh, did I miss your house again?

  Tonight is the night when children in my town of Boulder, Colorado leave out soy milk and gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, organic carob chip cookies… and tomorrow will, once again, wonder why Santa didn't leave them anything under their free-range, hormone-free, non-irradiated, Solstice tree in the feng-shui-ed corner.

December 16, 2009

• What if I'm beside myself?

  Bob Tzu says, Never write about yourself in the third person.

December 7, 2009

• I could use a mind eraser

  Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase your good deeds.
  But one photo getting out of a limo without your underwear, well…

December 1, 2009

• Tell me who, who, who, who are you

  I ran into an old friend on the street who exclaimed "Bob Tzu, is that really you?"
  Hmmm.
  How would I know if it wasn't?

October 20, 2009

• Let me tell you something young man

  Advice is always free. And worth every penny.

September 16, 2009

• You didn't hear it from me

  Speak not about what is seen by all, but what is not seen by any. This will get you a free room with nice padded wallpaper

September 4, 2009

• Shine on!

  Just as a gem needs friction for its true beauty to shine, a man needs friction to… uh… shine his beauty.

August 27, 2009

• Ah, what a ride

  Life is like riding a ten-speed bike; we have gears we never use and, after a while, it's a pain in the butt

July 10, 2009

• Yes, Yogi Berra, I'll take it

  I'm at place in life where I have two choices that seem both different AND the same…Yes, I've come to a spork in the road.