February 23, 2010

• It's all relative

  The earth is my mother. The sun, my father. The moon? My annoying kid brother who always wants to hang out with my friends.

February 17, 2010

• How sadly funny

  Our zoo has an exhibit that, depending on when you go, is either hysterical or depressing… the bipolar bears

February 3, 2010

• Bone, bone on the range

  Give a dog a bone and he'll be happy for a day.
  Teach a dog to bone and… oh, wait… you don't need to do that.

January 27, 2010

• Stop wineing

  There are no mistakes at the winery. Every vine has a purpose. Every grape has a raisin.

January 6, 2010

• Now you see the money, now you don't

  Space is just a concept. Time is an illusion. And that's why you didn't get my rent check on the 1st.

December 27, 2009

• The origin of all things

  Just as there is no rainbow without rain, there is no idiot without I.

December 15, 2009

• Toys for paranoids (it's following me!)

  Whatever you send out into the universe will come back to you.
  Assuming, that is, you're sending out boomerangs.

November 22, 2009

• Another day, another… well, day.

  Every day, in every way, I am becoming older and older.

November 16, 2009

• What do you get for the gal who is everything?

  You are one with the creator of all things. Which is why it's so hard to shop for your birthday.

October 11, 2009

• Is that an Expiran experience?

  You are not a human being having a spiritual experience, you are a spiritual being whose credit is seriously f@#$ed up

October 9, 2009

• I'm in competent at the moment

  Growth is something to be expected, embraced, and examined by a competent dermatologist.

October 2, 2009

• You animal, you

  Animals ask no questions of you, pass no judgments, and forgive without pause.
  Oh, and given a chance they'll eat you for lunch.

• I knew I was going to say that

  What happens if you have a deja-vu that you predicted the future when you had a deja-vu?

August 14, 2009

• Oh, I can tell that you did

  You cannot control the wind. But you can break it.

July 8, 2009

• My soul is 60% off

  At any moment you have a choice that either leads you closer to your soul or closer to the 70% off sale at Nordstrom.

May 9, 2009

• I thought Life was a cereal

  This is life. Life is art. Art is beauty. Beauty is skin deep. A pimple is skin deep. Therefore… This is Zit.

May 7, 2009

• And what does it mean that I have flat feet?

  As above, so below. Apparently, something in the heavens, too, needs more fiber.